Sketch Comedy: Jesus and Gabriel on Christian Zionism

Aug 1, 2014

OPENING SCENE: We see Jesus sitting slumped on his throne, obviously bored, rapping his fingers on the arm rest and looking at his finger nails, when Gabriel flies into the throne room.

Gabriel: Lord, the other angels are curious if they’ll be going down to rapture your followers soon?

Jesus sighs, opens his hand and an IPAD instantly appears with an RSS feed of stories concerning Israel.  After scrolling through all the stories he looks up.

Jesus: Doesn’t look like it Gabe, the Jews still haven’t finished kicking all the muzzy sand people out of Israel yet.

The IPAD disappears and a glass of water appears in his hand.  Gabriel sighs, looks down while thinking for a moment, and then speaks.

Gabriel: Lord, if you’re only going to allow the souls of humans who have blind faith in you to live in heaven while sending the rest to burn forever, and the Jews outright deny belief in you as their Messiah; why are we waiting on them to kick the Arabs out of the area?"

Jesus shoots a displeased eye at Gabriel.  Gabriel clears his throat and corrects himself.

Gabriel: I meant ‘muzzy sand people’.  Why are we waiting for them to kick the muzzy sand people out of that one small portion of land?

Jesus looks at him silently for a moment and rolls the water around in the glass which slowly transmutes into a dark red wine.  Jesus takes a small drink and sets the glass down.

Jesus: There you go again asking logical questions Gabriel.  You’ve been my right hand man for all eternity.  Surely you’ve realize by now that logic doesn’t enter into anything I do.  I merely say and do things because I’m a god and I feel like it.  Take good and evil for instance.  Sure the humans have developed their own definitions through logic, but I say otherwise. I say whatever I command is good and anyone who disagrees or does contrary is evil.

Gabriel raises his index finger to interrupt.

Gabriel: Excuse me Lord, I’m aware of all that, but what does that fact have to do with the rapture.

Jesus looks at him, annoyed.

Jesus: Damn it Gabriel, remember back when I was inspiring random humans to write contradictory accounts of me and you advised me to replace ‘does whatever he fucking feel like’ with ‘works in mysterious ways’ to avoid causing readers to appeal to ‘logic’ and turn against me?

Gabriel: Of course, and it turned out to be some of your best work.  Your believers have used that line ever since to dismiss any logical argument against you.

Jesus: Then damn it, there is your answer your.  There is no ‘REASON’ why!  I didn’t say anything at the time, but I had planned to surprise the humans on New Year’s Day back in 1000 because it was nice round number.  But then I got wasted during the new years party, blacked out and missed it.

Gabriel: Yea, you were beyond hammered Lord. That was one hell of a party!

Jesus: I couldn’t just show up the next day, I would have had to explain why I was late.  That’s when I first heard about those damn Atheist telling everyone I wasn’t coming and there was no reason to think I was real.  So, after I inspired some of my rabid fanatics to torture & kill them, I inspired them to blame other humans for preventing my return.  It was a risky move that defied basic common sense.  ME; A FUCKING GOD!  PREVENTED FROM ACTING BY HUMANS!  AND THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVED IT!

Both Jesus and Gabriel laugh hysterically at such an absurd notion.  Jesus finally catches his breath and continues.

Jesus: So yea, I inspired them to think I wouldn’t come back until they remade the Jewish state.  I mean the Jews are still going to hell, don’t get me wrong, but I really didn’t think they would take this long to defeat a bunch of muzzy fanatics.  Remember when I sent you down to fuck with that illiterate merchant; what was his name?

Gabriel: Mohammad, Lord.

Jesus:  Right, the pedophile guy.  I figured the other rock worshipping sand people would just murder him for being a general douche and claiming that I was OK with banging 9 year old girls.  I didn’t expect him to gain so many followers, turns out forcing sex on young girls under the pretext of marriage is a big selling point.

Gabriel chuckles.

Gabriel: That prank really back fired on us Lord.  But didn’t you also OK forced sex on captured young virgins when you were playing Command & Conquer with the Israelites?

Jesus: Yes, but I commanded it then, therefore it was good, right and just; otherwise it’s just gross.

Gabriel rolls his eyes.

Jesus: Where was I?  Oh yes, so I literally had to wait almost a thousand more years, and loose some of my most loyal humans, to wipe out over six million Jews before enough people would get to work remaking the Jewish state for my return.  I had hoped the job would be done with time to spare by New Year’s Day 2000 but NOOOOOO.  Suddenly humans feel sorry for the muzzy sand people I said needed to be kicked out.  What gives with these humans, for hundreds of thousands of years I could count on them to slaughter each other with little provocation.  Then as soon as they discover nuclear weapons they suddenly want world peace.

Gabriel: Its a bummer Lord; was a hoot watching all the mass suffering back in the day and laughing at the fact that everyone fighting thought you were on their side.  It’s ironic that, for all the brain power and reasoning you gave them, even today most of the humans still refuse to use it.

Jesus: We can count ourselves lucky for that Gabriel.  Can imagine if there were no humans around gullible enough to believe we are real? We wouldn’t exist anymore.

Gabriel nods his head in agreement before looking up surprised.

Gabriel: Wait, what?

Jesus covers his mouth and pauses to think.

Jesus: Nothing, it’s not important!  Ugh, go tell the other angels it will be soon and let me know when Israel finally absorbs Gaza and the West Bank.

Gabriel: Understood, but Lord you said…

Jesus interrupts him.

Jesus: That’s all now Gabriel, I’m very busy now, you are dismissed.

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